this came across rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated way back in 1997... one of these days I'll go find out if he ever continued this for Season 5

---

From: "D. Filip" <grimlock@u.washington.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated
Subject: HUMOR:  The COMPLETE Missing Lines  *SPOILERS* too, I suppose
Date: 3 Dec 1997 10:23:52 -0700
Organization: University of Washington
Lines: 2355


	Hello humor fans!  JMS always tells us that things are pruned
from the scripts so the show can air in the time allowed.  Now, for the
first time ever, you can see what dialog was cut!
	Er...not for the first time ever.  Almost everyone who replied to
these posts asked where the rest of them were.  I thought it might be a
good idea to break it into separate posts for each season, but I learned
my lesson.  They're all here in one place, and I'll even use "Babylon 5:
The Peanuts Connection" as the spoiler space in season four.  On with the
regular disclaimers then.
	Almost every episode is spoiled and this will probably be best 
enjoyed with a good memory or access to tapes; many of the jokes depend on
a knowledge of the entire episode and only add one new line.  This was
posted in the summer last year but slightly expanded for release in
November 1997 (and now 12/3/97, a few weeks after the last fourth season 
episode). 
	Here goes...


	Pilot Movie:  The Gathering

(Sinclair gives Lyta her tour of the station)

Sinclair:
	This is the alien sector--
Lyta:
	Why can we look through the walls of the alien's homes?  Do they
	know that we're looking in at them like they live in a zoo?
Sinclair:
	Yes they know, but it's important for them to live in glass
	houses.  This is a diplomatic station and we wouldn't want
	anyone throwing stones, would we?


Season One (the intro is the same except "It was the dawn of the third age
	of mankind, the year some lunatic brought the great war upon us
	all").

	Midnight on the Firing Line

Sinclair:
	My father had a saying...if you truly want to know someone,
	make him angry.
Ivanova:
	It's funny.  You reminded me of an old captain I was assigned
	to on Io when you said that.  He was always talking about his
	father.

	Soul Hunter

(Delenn gives the speech about the Minbari fear of Soul Hunters)

Franklin:  Oh I get it.  Back on Earth we have the same thing, only
	it's called the Boogieman.

	Infection (alternate title:  The Mandatory Sci-Fi Episode
		Where a Society is Wiped Out by it's Own Weapons)

Garibaldi:
	I love this market.  I can't tell whether this is an aphrodesiac
	or a floor wax--
Reporter:  Mister Garibaldi, where are the bathrooms.
Garibaldi:
	Over there, but I'd steer clear of the methane breather's room.
	Our janitors were afraid to clean it ever since they heard a
	rumor.  It was something about Kosh leaving a mess, I believe.  
(The reporter walks away and Garibaldi speaks to the aphrodesiac vendor)
Garibaldi:  Okay, I'll take one of these, but if it leaves a waxy yellow
	buildup on ANYTHING I'm coming back.

(Franklin describes the bioweapon situation to Sinclair)

Franklin:  They were told to kill anyone who wasn't a pure Ikkaran.
Sinclair:  And who set the standards for a "pure" Ikkaran?
Franklin:  A coalition of military fanatics and religious extremists.
Sinclair:  The Republican party?

(Sinclair chases the monster)

Monster:
	Protect!  (zap)
Sinclair:  Why?

M:  Must destroy impurities!
S:  Are you pure?
M:  Pure!  (zap)
S:  How pure?
M:  PURE!  (zap)
S:  Really pure?
M:  REALLY REALLY PURE!  (zap)
S:  And what did you think of the Puritans of the 1500s?
M:  Pure!  (zap)
S:  And your own people?  On a scale of fourteen to thirty two, with
    fourteen being absolute metaphysical impuritude, and thirty two
    being completely pure, how pure were they?
M (thinks):  Twenty nine!  Very pure!  (ZAP!)
(the scene continues as we saw it)

(Sinclair's quarters)

Garibaldi:
	Listen to me Jeff.  Sometimes when people came back from the
	war they changed.  Some of them thought it was easier to find
	something to die for than something to live for.  Do you have
	Captain Kirk syndrome or something?
Sinclair:
	You didn't hear me talking to the Ikkaran, did you?


	Parliament of Dreams

   (Catherine Sakai and Jeff Sinclair are talking in Jeff's quarters.)

CS:  Don't touch me unless you mean it.
JS (stiffly as ever):  What do you mean by that?
CS (frustrated):  Never mind.  You speak with a monotone!  You're
		as stiff as a block of wood!
JS (still stiff):  That's really ironic.  I have sex more often than
		anyone who ever has or ever will stay on this station.
CS (passionately):  Maybe that's not so ironic at all (they kiss).


	TKO

Ivanova (to the people sitting shiva with her):
	I'll recite these prayers in English so my good friend Commander
	Sinclair can hear them.  I was expecting Garibaldi to stop by, but
	he said he had some urgent business that couldn't wait.

(Then the scene has a transition to show where Garibaldi really is, 
at the fight)

	Grail

Aldus:  Ambassador Kosh, do you know the location of the holy grail?

Kosh:  It has always been here.

(Kosh nods to the table in the corner of his room where the holy
grail rests, but Aldus' attention is taken by Jinxo)

Jinxo:  Argh!  It's the Vorlon!  He's going to suck your brain out
	and eat it!  You've got to run!  Goooooo! (Aldus reluctantly
	leaves with Jinxo)
Kosh (curious):  How did they know?


	Survivors

Garibaldi:  I blew it Jeff.  I really thought I could control my drinking
	but there was something about the conflict I had to deal with and
	a strange new alcoholic beverage that couldn't keep me away from
	it.  It wasn't beer though... (ominous "this will affect the arc 
	in a couple years" scene change music)


	Babylon Squared

(Near the beginning)

Garibaldi:  A space station doesn't just appear and disappear like some
	kind of singing frog!

(The middle)

Garibaldi:
	 Is it zip/fasten or fasten/zip?
Sinclair:
	Even though I'd hate to be a case study, I have a feeling
	you'll know soon enough.
Garibaldi (excited):
	You have to go to the bathroom too?  All right!

(In the next scene they exit the shuttle's zero-G bathroom stalls)

Garibaldi:  Fasten/zip?

Sinclair (nodding and confirming with complete seriousness):  Fasten/zip.

(Sinclair goes to the zero-G sink while Garibaldi heads for the door)

S:  Aren't you going to wash your hands?
G:  Nah, I never do that.

(Sinclair raises an eyebrow and smirks at the camera.  In the next scene
they return to their seats)

G:  I'm thinking of cooking a duck sometime soon.  Want to join
	me for dinner?
S:  Are you going to wash your hands first?
G:  Don't worry about it.  My hands are clean enough.
S:  I'm not having this conversation.

(the end of the episode)

Ivanova:  What did Garibaldi mean when he referred to a singing frog?
Sinclair:  There's an old Looney Toons short where a guy tries to get rich
	by having his singing frog perform for an audience.
Ivanova:  Frogs can't sing, can they?
Sinclair:  Not normally, and that's why the guy thought he could make some
	money.  But there was a complication.  The frog would only sing to
	his owner.  Since no one else heard the frog, they thought the man
	was a crackpot.  He soon fell into poverty and considered the frog
	bad luck.  He buried the frog in hopes to end his luck, but a
	thousand years passed and another man unearthed it.  He also tried
	to get it to sing for other people.
Ivanova:  Would it sing for anyone then?
Sinclair (grimly):  No.

	Chrysalis

Franklin:  Michael is in a coma and...he's got this waxy yellow buildup I
	can't explain.


Season Two Intro.

	The Babylon project was our last, best hope for peace.  A giant
sitting duck, floating deep between warring territories, housing over a
quarter million humans and aliens.  A shining powder keg floating in
space, waiting to blow in the night.  This is the dawn of the third age of
mankind, the year I'll bring the great war upon us all.  The year is 2259.
I am John "Starkiller" Sheridan, and I am the match.  The name of the fuse
is Babylon Five.

	Points of Departure

Lennier:  ...and the souls of our newer generations are not as great
	as those in previous generations.
Sheridan:  Every generation says that, especially about the next
	generation's musicians.


	Revelations

Anna (in video):  We found the ruins and alcoholic beverages of a vast,
	ancient civilization...


	The Geometry of Shadows

(While talking in the Zocalo, the Technomage gives his speech)

Technomage:  ...And we know things.
Sheridan:  Like what?
TM:  How to be rich.  How to poor.  The Colonel's secret recipie of
	eleven herbs and spices.  Five words to make someone fall in
	love with you for life.  Ten to make them go without pain.  We
	know what will happen on Beverly Hills 90210 next week.
JS:  Really?  Can you let me in on some of the secrets?
TM:  Tip your head thirty degrees to the right and say "ooooogh."
JS:  Ooooogh  (Cash falls from the Zocalo ceiling into Sheridan's
	uniform)  This is great!
TM:  See that woman there?  Say "hey baby, what's your sign."
JS:  Okay.  Hey baby what's your--(SLAP!)
TM:  (sighs) It usually works.
JS:  I know what you Technomages are up to.  You use technology as if it
	were magic but it's all in our perceptions.  Hell, B5 isn't magic
	but if I went back a thousand years I don't know how I'd explain
	this place.
TM:  Somehow I don't feel you'll have that problem, but I really must be
	going.
JS:  Please answer one last question:  What will happen on 90210 next
	week.  It's really important to me...uh, I mean my sister.
TM:  That is why my brothers and I must be going.  To preserve this kind
	of knowledge for the coming of a new dark age.  With any luck, I
	can leave you with this one last token of wisdom...the active
	ingredient in Earthforce Rations is...Soylent Green.

(At the end in C&C)

Sheridan:  What did the Technomage say?  Dish rag makers.  Movers and
	shakers.  Butchers and bakers and candlestick makers.  A Narn nack
	Centauri whack Minbari funny bone, this old Vorlon's going home.
	All this, and breakfast too.
C&C techs:  What's going on?
	  Is he talking to someone?
	  Our new captain is nuts!
(fade to credits)


	The Long Dark

(in C&C)
Sheridan:
	Get Garibaldi a SWAT team on the double!  And tell him I'm
	on my way down there!
Ivanova:
	Wow!  I thought we were holding onto these rifles for no real 
	reason in C&C, then lo and behold we've got an emergency!  I 
	mean, is that convenient or what?
Sheridan:
	Hell yeah!  Let's go.


	A Spider in the Web

(they run from the room with the bomb)

Sheridan:  Did you close the door Zack?
Zack:  Huh?  Oh, the door...yeah, that would really cut down on the
	bomb blast, wouldn't it?  I'll get to it right now--
(BOOM)

Sheridan:  Never mind.

(In Sheridan's office)

Sheridan:  ...and even then, I only got one name for the conspiracy.
	I'll never forget that name...Bureau 13.
Garibaldi:  Bureau 13, eh?  I know that's a name I'll be thinking about
	for a while too.
Sheridan:  That's right.  Bureau 13.  I can't go for a day without
	thinking about it.  Bureau 13 is the kind of thing that could
	stick with you for the rest of your life.  (Pauses for a second)
	Bureau 13, Bureau 13, Bureau 13.
Garibaldi:  I agree, but what can we do about Bureau 13?
Sheridan:  We'll find as much info as we can, and then we'll do whatever
	it takes to expose Bureau 13.  There is a spider in the web named
	"Bureau 13" and I intend to kill it.

[Note:  Bureau 13 is never mentioned or heard from again in the
entire series]


	A Race Through Dark Places

(The refugees chant the Barney theme instead of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
Chilling, eh?)


	The Coming of Shadows

Sinclair:  Stick close to the Vorlon.  Watch the shadows, they move when
	you aren't looking.  Check both ways before crossing the street.
	Brush your teeth and floss between meals and...for God's sake
	Michael!  Wash your hands every once in a while!


	All Alone In The Night

(Delenn returns from the meeting where she is taken off the Grey Council)

Delenn:  They have decided that it is...uh...er...important that I
	continue my work on Babylon Five.
Lennier:  The Grey Council is very wise.  I knew they would reach the
	right decision.  We are blessed to have them lead us.
Delenn:  Oh shut up.

(Sheridan's dream continues where he's on a ship full of encounter-suited
Vorlons.  All of their suits are identical.  One approaches Sheridan)

Hsok:  Hi dude.  What's up?
Sheridan:  Huh?  Kosh?  Is that you?
Hsok:  No, I'm Hsok, Kosh's old high school drinking buddy.
Sheridan:  You speak so clearly...I thought Vorlons were always vague.
Hsok:  No, that's Kosh.  He's just a jerk.  We made him promise not
	to do that eningmatic "I am superior" thing, but I guess that's
	just like the time he cheated at golf.  "The ball has always been
	on the green" my ass!  He's a big fat liar.

(Sheridan flashes into a large bathroom stall where Kosh and Hsok are
sipping bottled liquids through their encounter suits.  The bottles have
strange alien writing on them, with one letter that looks like a Z.  A
purple encounter-suited Vorlon pushes the door open and sticks his suit's
head in.  Sheridan notices the toilet paper roll has the squares roll out
over the top)

Purple Vorlon (angry):  Get back to my gym class you slackers!  And...my
	God!  Are you drinking what I think you're drinking?

Kosh (with a younger voice):  Get out of my face man!

Hsok:  We should drink what we want!

Purple Vorlon (ignoring Sheridan):  Detention after school for both of you!

(Sheridan flashes back to Hsok on the ship)

Sheridan:  I had no idea Vorlons had such personality.  Who's that Vorlon 
	over there?

(He points to a nearby encounter suit that looks like all the others)

Hsok:  That's Hosk, Kosh's girlfriend.  Don't stare though, Kosh will get
	really jealous.
Sheridan:  Okay.  If it isn't too much trouble, I have a question: What do
	you Vorlons want?
Hsok:  Kosh would probably get real upset if you asked him that, but the
	answer is simple.  All Vorlons want is--
(He wakes up suddenly.  Later, Sheridan talks to General Hague.  Notice
that this dialog merely paraphrases the statements made in the series.
The missing lines are only slightly clearer)

Hague:  Clark liked you because you looked like a jarheaded moron who'd
	follow his orders.  That's how you look from your record.
Sheridan:  What makes you think I won't turn you in the second you leave?
Hague:  You can tell a lot about a man from his record, and your record
	shows me that you're the kind of guy who couldn't accept the
	stuff Clark is trying to pull.
Sheridan:  What did you just say about my record two seconds ago?
Hague:  Nothing.  Nothing at all.


	Gropos

(Instead of using the scale models to plan their strategy, Sheridan and
General Franklin use Electronic Battleship)


	Acts of Sacrifice

Na'toth:  You'll need someone to watch your back.
G'Kar:  All right, but you must promise never to appear in another
	episode.
Na'toth:  Agreed.


	Hunter, Prey:

Ivanova:
	Sometimes I just look out at Kosh's ship and I listen to it
	sing to me.
Sheridan:
	Is that why you're here now?
Ivanova:
	No.  This time Kosh parked across two berths.  I'm looking
	for a place to put the parking ticket.
Sheridan:
	That shouldn't be a problem.  Why not put it here--

(the ship reacts quickly)

Sheridan:  Double parking isn't *such* a serious offense, is it?

(The episode proceeds as it did in the tv show until the scene with the
investigator)

Investigator:  Why didn't you tell me about Down Below?

Ivanova:  Well it's difficult to search through, and there are a lot of
	lurkers who could just get in the way.
Investigator:  Is there anything else you haven't told me?

Sheridan (points randomly on a map of B5):  Oh, well once you've explored
	Down Below, you could try checking Down Town.  You'll have to burn
	through a couple layers of the hull, but you never know where
	someone will hide.

Ivanova:  And then there's also Down Stairs, and it's just a few layers
	outside of Down Town.

Investigator:  This doesn't make sense.  If our agents break through any
	layers beyond Down Town they'll breach the hull and be sucked
	outside the station.

(Ivanova and Sheridan share a nervous glance for a second)

Sheridan:  Uh...let's hope it just doesn't come to that.

(the investigator leaves)

Ivanova:  Down Town?  Give me a break.

Sheridan:  I'm trying to stall for time.  What about Down Stairs?

Ivanova:  I was caught up in the moment.

(When Franklin's medical teacher was released from the ship's cocoon)

Theacher:  I thought the ship spoke to me...and got me drunk...

(Later with Kosh)

Sheridan:  What do I know about you Vorlons anyway?  Who do you hang with?
	What are your homey's names?  What do you dig?  What's your beef?  

(Kosh is motionless through all of these)

Sheridan:  What do you want?

(Kosh's eye narrows and he turns to walk away)

Sheridan:  And what were you and Hsok drinking back there?

(Kosh turns and speaks angrily)

Kosh:  Never ask that question!


	And Now For A Word

(The reporter has Delenn crying from her previous question)

Reporter:  And if you were a tree, which tree would you be and why?
Delenn (crying even harder):  I...(sniff)...don't know...(sniff)...I--
Reporter:  A weeping willow, perhaps?  Is that even a tree?

(tears flying everywhere, Delenn turns from the camera and is happy
to leave the interview when she is called away)


	There All The Honor Lies

Sheridan:  I heard it loud and clear.  He said "I'm going to blow the
	crap out of you, lame brain."
Lennier:  Our witness claims that he actually said "Ihm gunna blodeh
	crapadda youh, laimbreinn," which is Minbari for "I respectfully
	yield authority to you, lame brain."
(Later)

Sheridan:  Earlier you said Minbari don't lie, but that's not entirely
	true.  Minbari would be willing to lie if it protected someone's
	honor.
Lennier:  Yes.  Since any lie could be percieved to protect someone's
	honor, we get to say anything we want.

(Londo complains about the dolls)

Londo:  Do I have to spell it out for you?  This doll has no...attributes.
	Are you aware the level of insult this brings?
Ivanova:  That's strange.  The norms of every culture were clearly 
	specified on the instructions for each doll, and the Narn
	manufacturers said they would create these dolls to the
	exact spec...never mind.


	In The Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum

(In the holding cell)

Sheridan:  Do you know who this is?

Morden (looks at Anna's picture):  Pretty.  Who is she?

(Sheridan doesn't say a word and activates a picture of the Icarus
on the monitor)

Morden (takes a deep breath):  Oh.  That.

(Sheridan tries to click the monitor to turn it off but accidentally
changes the picture.  It reveals an artist's rendition of President
Lincoln's assassination)

Morden (sighs):  Oh.  That.

(Sheridan is intrigued by the reaction and flips to another random picture
from earth's history -- an encyclopedia page that details the Black Death
that spread across mideval Europe)

Morden (takes another deep breath):  Oh.  That.

(Sheridan is furious that Morden could somehow be responsible for so much.
He flips to a picture of the Titanic, and Morden gives his same two word
reply.  Sheridan's anger increases as he shows scenes from world wars,
Amtrack derailments, the Hindenburg explosion, the OJ Simpson trial,
changes in the flavor of Coca Cola, advertising where two annoying people
yell at each other and NBC's "Must See TV" campaign.  Morden always
replies with a deep breath and "Oh.  That."  Sheridan still manages to
contain his anger until he shows an image from Star Trek: Voyager)

Morden (shakes his head and almost laughs under his breath):  Oh.  Tha--

Sheridan:  DIE YOU BASTARD!

(He starts to punch Morden violently and has to be restrained by
Garibaldi's security team.  Later with Kosh...)

Sheridan:  Sooner or later I will go to Z'ha'dum
Kosh:  If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will fall down a big hole.
Sheridan:  Yes, but I will not fall easy and I will not fall down alone. 


	Divided Loyalties

(Talia talks about how nice the "real water" shower is and stands
right in front of Susan)

Susan:  Are you going to kiss me or what?
Talia:  No, I'm just going to stand here and look sassy.


	The Long Twilight Struggle

Sheridan:  Why are you in such a good mood?  You're trapped right?
Draal:  I've been alone in the Great Machine for all this time, but I can
	travel to see amazing things, interesting places, talk to
	fascinating people--
Sheridan:  That's it?
Draal:  Epsilon 3 also has a giant built-in brewery.  It's really
	something to see, even for Minbari who can't drink alcohol.
(Sheridan winces as Draal burps.  Several scenes later, the fight music
after the news broadcast is replaced with the fight music from the 1960's
Batman tv series)


	Comes the Inquisitor

Sebastian:  If you wish to pass you must answer me these questions
	three.  Who are you?
Delenn:  I am Delenn, formerly Setai of the Grey Counsel--
(ZAP!)
Sebastian:  What is your quest?
Delenn:  I am trying to save the universe from the Shado--
(ZAP!)
Sebastian:  What is your favorite color?
Delenn:  Blue--
(ZAP!  Sebastian pauses, thinks for a moment and uses his staff again for
another harsh electric ZAP)
Delenn:  What was that last one for?
Sebastian:  I'm just a jerk.

(At the end in the docking bay)

Sheridan:
	I did a little checking on you, Sebastian Abox.  It seems you
	disappeared just at the time when there were a series of deadly
	e.coli outbreaks in undercooked hamburgers during the early 1990s,
	right in the west coast of the United States...but you wouldn't
	know anything about that, would you?
Sebastian:
	Yes, I had dreams of owning a restaurant before the Vorlons took
	me, but I wanted it too bad.  I ended up cutting corners, and
	because I didn't cook the beef long enough, others suffered.  No,
	I was not remembered as an entrepreneur, not as a businessman,
	not as a chef, but only as Jack.
Sheridan:
	Jack in the Box...right?  You're talking about the Jack In The
	Box fast food chains, aren't you?  I'm not an idiot or anything,
	I just need closure on that anecdote.

(Sebastian walks off and shakes his head in disgust)

Sheridan:  Wait!  Am I right?  Well?

(The music fades ominously and the credits roll)


	The Fall of Night

(Kosh flies out of his encounter suit to catch Sheridan.  Lennier, the
Drazi, G'kar and the others all react to what they see.  Eventually,
after holding onto Kosh for a while, Sheridan looks at him, stunned)

Sheridan (squinting and using a voice of astonishment):  Garibaldi?

(Kosh shakes his head and makes an angry face at Sheridan.  He lands with
Sheridan.  Suddenly, the encounter suit translates Kosh's words).

Kosh:  You idiot!  It's ME.  KOSH.
Sheridan (shocked):  Really?
Kosh:  Yes.


	Season Three (Narrated by Ivanova)

	Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace.  It failed.  We were
going to scrap the whole thing when it suddenly occurred to us that it
could be used as our last, best hope for parodies.  (The intro music plays
"The Love Boat" while everyone's heads turn to face the camera with laughs
or extremely dopey smiles).

	Matters of Honor

Sheridan:  You make so many trips back and forth to the Vorlon homeworld,
	how do I know you're the same Vorlon?
Kosh:  I have always been here.  Besides, no one cleaned the methane
	breather's bathroom on B5 in a long time, and I'd rather wait to
	use a bathroom on the Vorlon homeworld.  Especially since they let
	the toilet paper squares come from the under the roll instead of
	over it.
Sheridan:  Wow.  I've got another question:  Was that really you 
	last week?
Kosh:  Yes.
Sheridan:  Really?
Kosh:  Yes.
Sheridan:  Really?
(Kosh walks away)
Sheridan:  You know I hate it when you do that.
Kosh:  Goooooood.

(Delenn, Lennier and Marcus are at the bar)

Delenn:  What does that pin mean?

Marcus:  It's part Minbari and part Human, and forged with a drop of blood
	from each.  They say that whenever a Power Ranger dies, the pin
	cries one tear of water and two of blood.

Lennier:  Ooh, subtle foreshadowing.  I wonder who dies first, you or me?

Delenn:  We too have something like the Power Rangers on Minbar, only
	we call them Voltron.

(Marcus, Lennier and Delenn are stopped by the punks at the bar's exit)

Delenn:  It's morphin' time!
Lennier:  Trilobite Leprachaun Spiffyzord Power!
Marcus:  Mosquito Lemming Spiffyzord Power!
Delenn:  Tubeworm Red Kitty Cat Spiffyzord Power!

(Suddenly Delenn, Marcus and Lennier "morph" into three Power Rangers.
The film quality suddenly drops as if it's a poorly preserved 2nd
generation copy of a Japanese Sentai show.  The battle also appears to
take place in a grassy park instead of Down Below.  When the fight is over
they turn back to normal and Down Below looks the way it used to.  There
is no grass in sight.  Later on the White Star, Marcus still explains his
reasons for joining the Rangers to Ivanova, but instead of doing what we
saw on television he used the introductory speech from Steven J. Canell's
show "Renegade.")


	Convictions

Garibaldi:  Nine times out of ten, if you have a bomb, you have a message.
Sheridan:  Hmmm, all the bombs have been placed randomly, except for
	the fact that they've all been in areas that would effect the
	population.  Maybe the message is chaos?
Ivanova:  That sounds like a pretty crappy message.

(at the standoff)

Sheridan:  Tell C&C to monitor my link.  I'll hide it so you can hear what
	the bomber has to say.
Garibaldi:  You can't put your comm link in your shirt.  That's the first
	place he'll look.
Sheridan:  Where would you like me to put it?
Garibaldi:  Do you know how many soldiers have dreamed of the chance for
	their commanding officers to ask that question?
(Sheridan rolls his eyes, hides the link and hears the bomber's story)
Bomber:  What good is an artist without an audience?
Sheridan:  I don't know.  I guess you've got a good reason to kill us all.
Bomber:  Really?
Sheridan:  Sure.  I have no reason to stop you- (Sheridan sits down, the
	link beeps, and the scene proceeds as aired)


	A Day in the Strife

(In the officer's bar)

Franklin:  Don't you think Sheridan's been a little hard assed lately?
Ivanova:  What do you mean?
Franklin:  Nothing, I just wanted to say "hard assed" on television.

(The Narn gathering)

G'kar:  That sword can not be sheathed until it draws blood!
Ta'lon:  Well we can't kill a Centauri, can we?

(everyone pauses for a moment until G'kar has an idea)

G'kar:  Quick!  To the blood bank!  I'll explain on the way!


	Passing Through Gethsemane

Londo:  Lyta Alexander, as I live and breathe!  I have heard strange,
	strange things about you...even rumors that you are Kosh's
	girlfriend.  I would pay a great deal of money to learn how the
	Vorlons *do it*.
(Lyta reacts as she did on the show)


	Voices of Authority

G'kar:  Mister Garibaldi, I heard about the Rangers and I want to join.
Garibaldi:  No.
G'kar:  Come on.
Garibaldi:  No.
G'kar:  I'll be your best friend.
Garibaldi:  No.
G'kar:  Awww, you're mean.
Garibaldi:  No.


	Messages From Earth

Sheridan:
	My father knew that if I didn't sleep that night, I'd never pass
	my test.  I paced back and forth nervously for hours.
Delenn:
	Did it rain that night so you could get to sleep?
Sheridan:
	No it didn't, but my dad...he picked up the garden hose and
	shot it right in through the window.  I was soaked from head to
	toe with ice water in less than a second.  It was the most
	shocking thing that happened in my entire life.  Then my dad
	said something to me;  He said "quit pacing around up there
	and get some sleep you melon head or I'll spray you again!"
	(A tear wells up in Sheridan's eye)  I miss him.


	Point of No Return

(The bridge crew learns of the martial law decree and political problems)

Corwin:  How could this happen?
Sheridan:  Because of something you did.
(Corwin starts crying)
Ivanova:  Actually it's because of something I did, but Sheridan got
	the ball rolling.


	Severed Dreams

Sheridan:  My dad has a saying:  "When you mess with shit, it stinks."
	Don't fire first, but if they mess with you...stink 'em up
	real good.


	Ceremonies of Light and Dark

Computer:  Please enter your one digit security code.
Sheridan:  Four.
Ivanova:  Seven.
Garibaldi:  Two.
Ivanova (amused):  Two?
Garibaldi:  Hey, would you have guessed it?

(The Nightwatch guys)

NW1:  Who wants to guard the prisoners?
NW2:  I ain't gonna do it.
NW3:  I don't want to do it either.
NW4:  I've got an idea...lets get the psycho!  He loves the Minbari!

(at the ceremony)

Ivanova:  I think I loved Talia.
Garibaldi:  Me too.
Franklin:  I...have a problem--
(Garibaldi jumps out from behind the wall)
Garibaldi:  I knew it!  I knew you were on the stims!


	A Late Delivery from Avalon:

Postal official:  Don't mess with delivery men, Mister Garibaldi.
	The Post Office has a history.  A VERY DARK HISTORY.


	Ship of Tears:

Sheridan:  Wow!  Our new X-Wing starfighters look just like
	Colonial Vipers!
Copilot:  Actually these are the Thunderbolt Starfuries.
Sheridan:  Thunderbolt Starfuries, eh?  That's a great nickname for
	our new X-Wings!
Copilot (sighs):  Yes sir.

(after Bester's pin is destroyed, he talks to the B5 staff elsewhere.
Sheridan points to Bester's new pin)

Sheridan:  Didn't Carolyn destroy your Psi-corp pin in the Medlab?  How
	did you get a new one so quickly?
Bester:  I carry many spares.  This happens much more often than you might
	think in my line of work.  (Bester shakes his pocket and the loud
	jiggling of many Psi-Corp pins can be heard)


	Interludes and Examinations:

(The initial medlab crisis)

Franklin:  You!  I want you to bring pressure up to 13.  Michael, I'll
	handle your security guard, and *you*...get me a hot dog!
Dr Hobbes:  Thirteen?  That's insane.

Garibaldi:  He's really hurt bad.  He ate nothing but Earthforce Rations
	all this morning.

Medlab Hot Dog Vendor:  You want fries with that?

Franklin (insane):  WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?  DID YOU HEAR ME?  DO YOU
	HAVE TO QUESTION EVERYTHING I SAY?  YEAH, I WANT FRIES!  YOU GOT
	THAT?  THIRTEEN FRIES!  THIRTEEN!  THIRTEEN!

(As Kosh and Sheridan meet)

Kosh:  If I help you now, I won't be able to help you when you go to
	Z'ha'dum.

Sheridan:  Yeah?  You said that if I went to Z'ha'dum, I'd fall down a big
	hole.  I don't see how a flying angel could help me if I were
	falling down a pit or a chasm or something, so what are you
	holding back?

Kosh:  You don't understand but you will. (pause) Maybe you will.

(Meanwhile...)

Morden:  Refa seemed pretty mad...he said something about revenge.
Londo:  I no longer want you to go away.  I want to kill Refa even if it's
	the last thing we do.
Morden:  So you believe that Refa killed Adira?
Londo:  Yes.
Morden:  And you don't think it's strange that I just threatened to
	do something terrible only hours ago?
Londo:  No, not at all.
Morden:  So you think my hands are completely clean in this instance?
Londo:  Yes, absolutely.
Morden (smiles and shrugs):  Wow.  This is even bigger than the plot
	holes my associates ripped in the Voyager.

(Sheridan's dream)
Kosh:  As long as you're here, I'll always be here.
Sheridan (waking):  Kosh!

(sudden cut to the PTEN promo)

Announcer:  Coming soon...it's Kosh Fu: The Legend Drags On!  Sheridan
	learned Vorlon wisdom on Babylon 5, but a Shadow attack 
	interrupted his training.  Kosh and Sheridan each believed the
	other had perished.  One year later, they were reunited.  Then
	Kosh faced new challenges.

Sheridan:  I want to *fight* the Shadows

Kosh (in a David Carradine-like drugged tone of voice):
	So did your ancestor when he was your age.  Except he faught in
	the Civil War.

Announcer:  And Sheridan grew up.

Sheridan:  Was that really you when the monorail blew up?  It wasn't
	Garibaldi?

(Kosh's eye narrows and he walks away)

Announcer:  Catch the action...on Kosh Fu!

Caine:  (stoned) Yes.
Kermit:  Oh yeah.
The Ancient:  Bloody marvelous.
Peter:  Let's roll pop.
Caine:  Don't call me pop.

(Sheridan and the cast of "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" watch an image
of a leg slowly sweeping out from a fold in Kosh's encounter suit. 
Suddenly the film cuts to a man flying through a plate glass window,
lamely implying that Kosh's slow kick knocked him back.  Then the regular
commercial break follows and the head of Kosh's suit is on Sheridan's
desk)

Sheridan:  Kosh told me that if he helped me now he wouldn't be able to
	help me later, but I still don't see why.

(Delenn sighs)

Garibaldi: Uh...Captain? (waves hand) Never mind.


	War Without End part I:

Rathenn:  This package has been kept for you for over 900 years.
	How did he know you would be here?  How did he know your name?
Sinclair (opens the package and starts throwing out letters):
	Bill, (toss) bill, (toss) you may already be a winner, (toss), a
	Minbari sperm bank reciept (toss)...Hey!  This one's from somebody
	important!  (Starts reading the note maked Jeffery David Sinclair
	to himself)
Rathenn:  What does it say?
Sinclair (chuckles absent mindedly):  He still hasn't been washing
	his hands...Huh?  (Sinclair speaks to Rathenn as he did before)

(On the White Star)

Sinclair:  We'll be a good team.  Just like Batman and Robin.  Scooby Doo
	and Shaggy.  Wayne and Garth.  Bill and Ted.  Beavis and Butthead.

(Lennier explains the White Star's shield tech)

Sheridan:  As my great grandfather said...cool.  Huh huh huh. Huh huh.
Sinclair:  I believe *my* great grandfather would have replied with...
	Heh.  Heh heh heh. Heh heh.
Sheridan:  Huh huh huh.
Sinlclair:  Heh.  Heh heh heh.  Heh heh.

(Lennier looks nervously between the two,  Several scenes later, 
Garibaldi gets a message on B5)

Computer:  The message is coded with a password.
Garibaldi:  Fasten/Zip, socks, duck, tots, hello old friend...wait.
	Three words:  Wash your hands.
(The computer displays Sinclair's message)

	War Without End part II

(Ivanova and Marcus work with the technical gear)

Marcus:
	The ancient legends told us that Valen was a Minbari not born
	of Minbar.  They also spoke about his incredibly amusing alien
	sidekick.
Ivanova:
	Do you think we'll get a chance to meet them?

(Zathras sees Delenn there to help him)

Zathras:  I knew the One would not leave me.
Delenn:  Hold on my friend, this shouldn't be too hard to lift...

(She tries to lift the beam but drops it after a second.  Zathras
howls in pain).

Delenn:  Sorry Zathras.  Your note told me to get help before I lifted
	the beam but I forgot.  I'll be right back.

(Delenn returns with Marcus and the White Star's crew)

Marcus:  This is the only Minbari fighting stick I have.  Be careful
	with it, okay?
Lennier:  Don't worry.  We won't damage it at all.

(The White Star's crew wedges the fighting stick between Zathras and the
beam.  Zathras moves quickly to get out of the way when Marcus' stick
breaks and the beam crashes down again.)

Lennier:  Oops.

(Sinclair is outside in his blue space suit)

Old Sinclair:
	The note said I shouldn't try to change the past, but if I
	succeed here I won't have to go back.  (activates radio)
	Shuttle One!  Come in!  Watch your back Michael!  Watch
	your back...And wash your hands too!

(cut to Shuttle One)

Garibaldi (To the younger Sinclair):
	Hey Jeff, this guy sounds just like you.
Young Sinclair:
	Whoever you are, this is Shuttle One.  We got your message.
	Thanks for the warning.  End transmission.

(Cut back to blue space suit)

Old Sinclair:
	Wait!  That advice was totally useless!  I didn't change a
	thing!  I've got to tell them about Clark's conspiracy!
Space suit computer:
	Shuttle One is now out of communications range.
Old Sinclair:
	Maybe I can give them a warning in old-fashioned morse code.

(Sinclair whips out a gratuitously large laser cannon and fires timed 
morse code bursts near Shuttle One.  He accidentally hits it before he can
complete his message.  Shuttle One rolls, starts to glow, then suddenly
explodes.  Sinclair cringes, realizing that he created a giant paradox.
He returns through an airlock and hangs his head).

Delenn:  You didn't change the timeline, did you?

Sinclair:  I tried to warn them but it all happened just as I remembered
           it.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Just as I remembered it.


	Walkabout

(Sheridan notices the writing on the outside of the new Vorlon's ship is 
different than Kosh's, and has a flash to his dream from AAITN (season 2)
during their meeting)

Sheridan:  What should we call you?

Vorlon:  Kosh.

Sheridan:  In public, yes, I know.  But what shall I call you in private?

Vorlon:  Kosh.

Sheridan:  You remind me of someone I've seen before.  Were you ever a PE
	Teacher?

Vorlon:  Uh...no.

(His eye narrows as he shuffles away.  Later in G'kar's quarters)

Narn:  I can't believe it!  How did you manage to import breen?

G'kar:  That's not breen.

Narn:  But the flavor, the texture...it's just like breen.

G'kar:  It isn't.  It is actually a form of food that the Earthers call
	"Spam."  It seems that every sentient culture in the universe has
	it's own form of Spam.

Narn:  I never figured out what goes into a can of breen.  Have the
	Earthers or any of the other aliens ever said what goes into Spam?

G'kar:  No, and I suspect it is the type of thing we'll never know, or 
	if someone ever were to hear the answer, he would go mad.


	A Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place

Z Minus 14 Days

Londo:  Vir, you remember Na'Toth, don't you?

Vir:  No, who is she?

Londo:  How could you not remember Na'Toth?

Vir:  I don't know how.  I just don't.

Londo:  She was only here for three or four hours, but I thought you
	would have the capacity to remember at least a little--

Vir:  Alright already!  I remember her!  But I swear that NOTHING HAPPENED
	BETWEEN US!  We were friends!  JUST FRIENDS!  YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE
	ME LONDO!

(Londo raises an eybrow and the scene continues as before)

Z minus 13 days

(Sheridan, the reverend, and Brother Theo are talking)

Brother Theo:  Oh.  I suppose since he speaks as if I am not here that
	someone must have painted "idiot" on my back again.

(As they walk off we can see "idiot" spraypainted on the back of Theo's
robe.  In Sheridan's office...)

Reverend:  ...but who do you share your problems with?  I saw the way she
	looked at you from across the table.  She loves you, you know.

Sheridan:  Delenn has enough problems of her own without taking on mine
	too--

Reverend:  Delenn?  I was talking about Ivanova.  Oh well.  If you like
	Delenn better, that's fine.  You just looked like you were a bit
	too stiff, worn and cranky lately.  I only tried to make you
	think about getting a girlfriend to help you loosen up.  There's
	nothing like someone to socialize with to excuse social drinking,
	and there's nothing like social drinking to get rid of that
	stiffness.  Even if you don't want to drink, that's fine.  A
	girlfriend is all you really need to feel loose.

Sheridan:  It didn't work for Babylon 5's last commander and it won't work
	for me.

	Shadow Dancing

(Delenn explains the Minbari ritual)

Sheridan:  What if she doesn't like what she sees?

Delenn:  Then she has the right to cut off his mumblemumblemumble.

Sheridan:  What was that?

Delenn:  She has the right to cut off his mumblemumblemumble.

Sheridan:  His what?

Delenn:  His...access to her family.

Z minus 4 days

(Sheridan reviews his dream with Ivanova and Delenn)

Sheridan:  I've been having the same dream over and over again, ever since
	Kosh died.  Please tell me if you think it means anything.  In
	fact, why don't you spell out all the ambiguities so there is
	nothing left to interpret or speculate about.  I'm feeling
	mentally slow today so I'd appreciate it.

(the scene continues as before)

Sheridan:  And then Hsok and Kosh are drinking something through their
	encounter suits, and this purple Vorlon comes in and interrupts
	them, and he looks just like our new ambassador.  And he's a PE
	Teacher who--

Delenn:  A physical education teacher?  They are prominent figures in
	Minbari mythology.  They symbolize slow witted brutality and a
	constant sense of dissatisfaction, almost on the verge of a
	nervous breakdown or berserker rage.

Ivanova:  PE teachers are pretty much the same on Earth.

Delenn:  But what were they drinking?

Sheridan:  Who knows?  Maybe it's important, maybe it isn't.  Not that I
	really believe in any of this. All these signs-'n-portents
	dreams...

(the scene continues on as before, even though Sheridan's frustration
with the dream contradicts the curiosity he expressed earlier in the
script.  Doctor Franklin recovers later in Medlab and finishes his speech
about what he learned about life, who and what he is, etc)

Sheridan:  And what are you?

Franklin:  Alive.  Everything else is negotiable.

Sheridan:  So what are you going to do now that you had this revelation?

Franklin:  Nothin'.  I'll probably go down the Dark Star club and get
	wasted tonight.  Want to join me?

(Sheridan's link beeps)

C&C tech:  Captain?  We have a message from Delenn.  She says that she
	(giggle) awaits your (giggle) pleasure in your quarters--

(Everyone in medlab starts to whistle and give cat calls)


	Z'ha'dum

Anna:  Come with me to Z'ha'dum.  They are eager to meet you, and they'll
	explain everything.
John:  Why do I have to go there?  Can't you just tell it to me here?
Anna:  I...er...forgot what I'm supposed to say.  I left my notes there.
John:  You left your notes with the Shadows?
Anna:  Yes, but that's a pretty dramatic name for them.  Their real name
	is impossible for humans to pronounce, and I've tried.
John:  Wow.  How many letters long is it?
Anna:  Only four, but the first one is a Z so it's really tough.
John:  Riiiiiiight.

Z minus a couple hours

Garibaldi (ackwardly):  There's a lot of snowfall over New York.
John (also ackwardly):  Well it must be pretty there this time of year.
Anna:  You two are speaking so strangely.  Are you hiding a secret code or
	something?
Garibaldi (making confused hand guestures and facial expressions):
	Uh...well...I...whew.  I gotta go.  See you Cap'n.
John:  He's always like that.

(later)

Garibaldi:  Are you sure Sheridan read your medical reports?

Franklin:  I'm positive...well I'm positive that he received them anyway.
	I can't really be sure he paid attention to them -- he didn't even
	notice that I left my wheelchair after being stabbed two days ago.
Garibaldi:  Yeah, no one noticed that.  How odd.
Franklin:  That I'd heal up so fast or that no one noticed?
Garibaldi (smiles):  Yes.

Z minus five minutes

(inside the airlock door)
Anna:  John, they won't allow you to take weapons into their home.
(Sheridan gives her the PPG on his belt clip)
Anna:  Is that your only weapon?
John:  I mave moo awww my meapomms.
Anna:  What about the PPG in your mouth?
John:  I mon't mave a BBG im my mouff.
Anna:  Don't play this game, John.
John (very innocently):  Mut I mon't mave a BBG im my mouff.

(Anna reaches into John's mouth and wrestles the PPG out of his clenched
teeth.  She holds the drool-covered weapon with only two fingers)

John:  Oh.  *That* PPG.  It's funny, but those things are so comfortable
	that you forget when you're wearing them.
Anna:  Of course.  Follow me this way.
John:  What's in that door?  
(He opens it and sees a bathroom where the toilet paper is rolled from the
bottom under, just the opposite of the Vorlon bathroom from his dream)
Anna:  No, don't look in there.  The rest of us are this way.

Z minus 4 minutes

(When they go to the lounge she hands the PPG to Morden, who suddenly
notices John's saliva on the gun.  He cringes, puts it down on the sofa,
and wipes his hands)

Anna:  You already know Mr. Morden.  But do you know this drunk old guy?

Justin:  Hi there, Johnny boy!  I have a question for you.  Do you ever
	wonder who decides that hemlines will be short one year, and below
	the knee the next, and makes perfume commercials look really 
	stupid?
(Justin continues to move his hands after he speaks)

John:  Calvin Klein?

Justin:  Who decides that the work day goes from nine to five instead of
	eleven to twelve?

John:  The clockmaker association?  The Time Cops?

Justin:  Do you ever wonder who decides that there are always fewer hot
	dogs than buns in a package of each?

John:  The Centauri prophylactic industry?

Justin:  Who controls the British Crown?  Who keeps the metric system
	down?  Who keeps the Free Marsies off the map?  Who keeps Atlantis
	under wraps?  Who holds back the electric car?  Who made Steve
	Gutenburg a star?

John:  The Stonecutter's union?  The Freemasons?

Justin:  Come on!  I'm with all the people who do that stuff.  The same 
	organization, just a different department.  You might say I'm a
	"middleman" for them.  If I wanted to be really obvious, I might
	even call myself the "man in between."  And if I wanted this to
	be a baldfacedly explicit explaination of your Vorlon induced
	dream from the second season, you almost might say that, after
	seeing you in action, I've been "searching for you."

John:  I don't get--oh, wait.  That really is obvious.

(Justin continues with his speech and describes the Shadows' plan)

Morden:  It all works beautifully.  Every so often, the Shadows come down
	and kick over a few anthills.  Sure, some of the ants die, but the
	survivors are smarter.  Stronger.  They can rebuild from their
	ashes and create a better community than the last.  You were able
	to organize all the worlds against us, a commendable acheivement,
	but for our purposes it is unproductive.

John:  Oh?  I think it's very productive.  You see, I'm doing the Shadows
	a favor.  I'll kick over their anthills so their survivors will
	learn to be better at patching up shrapnel wounds...think of it
	as a present.

(They explain that someone else would take his place if he were killed,
they describe how Anna was brainwashed and how he could be too)

Justin:  So we need your help.  We'd prefer to have you help willingly so 
	we'll give you some time to think it over.  If we can do anything
	to make your stay more comfortable--

Morden (butting in):  Care for a Pez?  You can keep the dispenser if you
	want to.  It looks just like Londo Mollari.

(John quietly stares at the Londo-headed Pez dispenser)

Z minus 20 seconds

John (incredulous look on his face):  No.  No, thank you.  No Pez today.

Anna:  Then how about some refreshments?  Something to drink?

Morden:  What will it be?

John:  Beer.

Morden (smiles silently for a moment):  Never heard of it.

John (puzzled):  Then what do you have?

Z minus 5 seconds

(The door opens up and a Shadow walks into the room carrying a tray.  On
the tray is a bottle marked "Zima."  John instantly recognizes it from his
Vorlon-induced dream.  All of the Shadow's human associates start to nod
their heads and mutter "Hey, Zima!" and "Zima's good.")

John:  No.  NOOOOOOOO!  (He pulls out the PPG and starts to fire)

(Cut to B5 station extierior with Shadows closing in)

Ivanova:  Can you raise Draal?
Corwin:  Communications are being jammed.
Ivanova:  Can we use morse code with a flashlight from a window?
Corwin:  No, Draal isn't looking in our direction.
Ivanova:  What about the cans connected by the string?
Corwin:  The Shadows used scissors and we can't get through.
Ivanova:  Well that Great Machine isn't so great is it?  We never get to
	use it for anything.  I guess it's time to see the first season
	Starfury launch again.  God knows we've reused enough stock CGI
	footage in this episode already.

(The scene continues with the stock Starfury launch and the episode
continues as aired.  Later John shoots at a room full of Shadows as Anna,
Morden and Justin try to give him their Z'ha'dum travel brochoures)

John:  Ha!  You spent so much time worring about the PPG in my mouth that
	you never stopped to think I would have one in my boot!

(Morden tries to shoot back with John's drool-covered PPG but it slips out
of his hand)

John:  I shouldn't even have bothered to take out the energy cap.  It's
	not like I'm dealing with the dock workers any more!  (Subtle
	Straczynskiesque black-and-white clips remind you that this line 
	is a reference to "A Day In the Strife")

(John breaks away to get to the edge of the Shadow's underground city,
followed only by Anna.  He looks out and sees the Shadow city.  In it he
nocices a deep pit and a brewery hundreds of miles wide.  He activates the
White Star's launch sequence.)

Anna:  Please, John, don't give up on me or the Shadows' offer.  Z'ha'dum
	is a really nice place sometimes.  I can't ever be back to the way
	I used to be, but everything from your Anna is somewhere inside
	me, and I'm sure I could love you just the same.  We could spend
	our days and nights touring the giant brewery and admiring the
	city's wonderful geodesic domed skylight.

(John thinks for a second)

Anna:  I could give you a lifetime supply of Zima.  All the Zima you could
	ever possibly want to drink.

Kosh (panicked):  Jump John!  Now!

(He jumps into the hole and the episode continues as before with the
White Star breaking through the geodesic dome)



	Season 4

It was the beer of fire
The beer of destruction
A time to kick back and drink what was ours
It was a beer of rebirth
A beer of great sadness
A beer of pain
A beer of joy
It was...a new beverage
It was the innebriation of history
It was the year every drink changed
The beverages:  Shadow Zima, Vorlon Home Brew, and Epsilon 3 Draft
The year: 2261
The place:  Babeerlon 5

	The Hour of the Wolf

Londo:  Mister Morden?  Would you please stop picking at that?


	What in the World Happened To Mr. Garibaldi

Voice:  Please Mister Garibaldi, tell us what you remember.
Garibaldi:  I'm telling you, I don't remember anything.
Voice:  You must tell us what you remember.
Garibaldi:  Nothing, do you hear me?
(Garibaldi proceeds to pull at the lighting fixtures on the walls)
Voice:  Please don't touch that.  We don't know where you've been.  You
	have a sink in your cell.  Please wash your hands there.
Garibaldi:  Why would I want to do something like that?  Huh?  On whose
	orders?  Whose orders?
Voice:  We want everything to be clean.  You want everything to be clean.
	It is imperative that you wash your hands before touching the
	walls.  Cleanliness is your ultimate goal--
Garibaldi:  Oh yeah?  Maybe this would help clean things up around here?
(He rips an arm off the chair and starts hitting lights and the sink.  A
cloud of gas comes up from the drain and knocks him out.)

(Later with Sheridan and Lorien)

Sheridan:  The first obligation of a prisoner is to escape.
Lorien:  So if one is a prisoner of love, one must escape to solitude?  If
	one is a prisoner of joy one must escape to grief?--
Sheridan:  Shut up.  You knew what I meant.


	The Summoning

(On the White Star)

Ivanova:  Wow, a real romantic.  I haven't felt that way since the first
	time.
Marcus:  That's what I'm talking about.
Ivanova:  Wait...so you mean you never--
Marcus:  No.
Ivanova:  Not with anyone?
Marcus:  I haven't found the right person yet.
Ivanova:  And you're in your mid to late thirties?  Were you playing
	that damn "Magic: The Gathering" card game all this time?
Marcus:  No, but that was a good guess.  I was too busy playing Dungeons
	and Dragons with my wacky Minbari pals.  I had a tenth level
	Chaotic Good elf I was quite fond of.
Ivanova:  Well what happened?
Marcus:  He was slain by a forest nymph.  My back was turned for one
	minute and I lost him!

(They find the Vorlon fleet and planet-attack weapon)

Marcus:  Bloody hell!  That's a thousand ships and a giant Vorlon egg foo
	yung!
Ivanova:  No, that isn't egg foo yung.  It's a beer coaster.
Marcus:  A friggin' huge beer coaster...

(At the Zocalo)

Drazi:  We thought you were dead.

Sheridan (taking cues from the Night Court character):  But I'm feeling
	much better now.  (Then speaking like Kirk Douglas to the
	audience)  I have seen the face of the enemy.  They aren't
	invinsible and they're not gods.  I've personally killed many of
	them.  With my bare hands and my trusty blaster!  I shot them
	where they stood, where they sat, and where they slept!  Most of
	them didn't even have time to defend themselves or scream out in
	terror!  By the time I hit them with the nuke, it was wholesale
	slaughter!  They never stood a chance, and I stand before you as
	proof that they can be defeated!  I'll murder them all myself!

Drazi:  What do you need any of us for?

Sheridan:  Last year a very wise man said something to me.  "What good is
	an artist without an audience?"  We can end this.  Not for a
	hundred years, not for a thousand years, but forever!  For our
	children, and our children's chil--no, wait.  Not for our
	children's children.  I don't believe children should be having
	sex.

(The audience cheers and Delenn runs up to meet John)

Sheridan:  I'm so sorry I left you Delenn.  I'm even sorrier about the
	end of that speech.  I meant it to be so much better than that.

(In the lounge, Sheridan explains the Shadow and Vorlon motives)

Sherdain:  I have a piece of Kosh in my head, and he let me know that he
	used to experiment by mixing Zima and beer with his high school
	buddy Hsok, but the rest of the Vorlons wouldn't let it go on for
	too long.  Kosh and the people at Z'ha'dum also let me know about
	their other idiosincrocies.  The Shadows want evolution through
	conflict, the Vorlons prefer order.  The Vorlons let the toilet
	paper roll over the top, the Shadows want it to roll out from
	under.  Most importantly, the Shadows want us to drink Zima, and
	Vorlons want us to drink beer.  

Lennier:  Those are diametrically opposed positions.

Sheridan:  Yes Mr. Lennier, you are correct.  Observations like these are
	why we pay you the big bucks.

Lennier:  But I am paid nothing for my services.

Sheridan:  Right again, Sherlock.

Garibaldi:  So who is our new best pal here?

Sheridan:  His name is Lorien.  I'll vouch for him.

Garibaldi (even crankier):  But what do we know about him?  He could be
	covered with germs!

Sheridan:  No, he's clean.  He didn't want me to tell you, but let's just
	say he's old.  Very old.  Almost as old as the first ones.  

(Embarrassed, Lorien sighs and hides his face in one hand as Sheridan
goes on)  

Sheridan:  Perhaps THE first one...uh...(Sheridan catches on to Lorien's
	expression)  I mean he was the first one...in this room...before
	we started the meeting.

Lennier:  But I was the first person who entered the room--

Sheridan:  You just don't know when to shut up, do you Braniac?

(Garibaldi accepts that answer but acts cranky anyway)


	Falling Toward Apotheosis

(Sheridan catches a woman before she trips.  She acts very excited while
talking to Zack but Zack seems unsure)

Woman:  Wow!  Was that really him?  Captain Sheridan?

Zack:  Yeah, that was him.

Woman:  Isn't he spectacular?

Zack:  The captain?  Yeah, I guess.

Woman:  Did he really come back from the dead?

Zack:  Uh, I don't know much of anything around here.  Maybe he did.

Woman:  And do you think he'll mind that I swiped his Identicard and
	credit chit?
Zack:  That's it lady.  Now I'm taking you down to the brig.

(Lorien mentions that the Shadows were only able to kill Kosh because they
were both First Ones, Franklin mentions his visit to Epsilon 3, and the
trap continues as scheduled)

Vorlon:  Your thoughts are troubled.

Lyta:  It's nothing.  I'm just worried about Kosh--
(Vorlon's eye narrows at Lyta and he doesn't notice that B5's crew moves
the electric panels around him.)

Vorlon:  Open your mind to me.

Lyta:  I have severe diarhea, all right?

Vorlon:  You're holding something back.

Lyta:  Yes.  I'm constipated too--

Vorlon:  You lie!  

(Lyta dives off to the side.  After the fight, Lorien explains Sheridan's
condition to Delenn)

Lorien:  He will live for twenty years.  No more.

Delenn:  Can't you just heal him again 19 years later?

Lorien:  That's a brilliant idea.  I never thought of it myself.


	The Long Night was originally titled "The episode where everyone
explains themselves far more than they ever would in real life and with
unnaturally long speeches that make suspension of disbelief a miracle"


	Into The Fire

(After several ships of the fleet are immobilized in the Shadow's
planet killer cloud, Sheridan and Delenn are taken off the White Star 
by the Vorlons and Shadows)

Sheridan:  We don't need Vorlon guidance any more.  We can decide to drink
	anything we want!  And what's all this ice for?
Hosk (in block of ice):  It's for our eminent victory party, right Hsok?

Hsok (distant voice):  Yep.  I've finally stopped drinking Zima too!
	We're going to have a Vorlon Home Brew kegger on our planet-
	destroying coaster right after we whoop the Shadows.  Then we can
	raid Z'ha'dum for all the Zima--

Hosk (angry):  Hsok!?

Hsok:  Just kidding!

(Centauri royal court)

Morden:  How did you kill my associates?  They were first ones, so they
	should only be killed by other first ones.

Londo:  Story logic?  Continuity?  Fah!

(Delenn and Sheridan return back on the White Star bridge)

Lorien:  They are giving you a chance to speak.  I can not help you here. 
	Choose your words wisely, I believe they will decide the outcome
	of this war, your species, and countless other--

Sheridan:  Not that you want to put me under any pressure, right?

Lorien:  Sorry.

(Sheridan gives his speech about "Who are you?" and "What do you want?")

Sheridan:  All of you lost sight of that, and you're like two parents who
	are arguing over how to raise a child.  Two really crappy parents!
	You see, now we know why you are so long-lived:  You don't get
	liver diseases from all the alcohol you send our way!  We have it
	within us to learn how to overcome our own liver problems, and we
	may even become first ones ourselves if our progress continues. 
	But that doesn't matter to you!  You'll never get anything done
	until you realize we're sober enough to stand on our own two feet
	and make our own choices.

Shadow and Vorlon:  No you're not.

Sheridan:  Yes we are.  From now on, we won't fight each other any more.
	We've seen both of you for what you really are, and we won't ever
	have to be manipulated again.  As for your methods of toilet
	paper rolling, maybe we won't roll toilet paper at all.  Maybe
	it'll be in a pop-up dispenser like facial tissue.  Maybe we'll 
	even follow in the Minbari's footsteps and stop drinking alcohol
	altogether.  Mister Lennier, what's in that canteen?

Lennier:  Well it's a long way to the White Star's bathroom, and--

Sheridan:  What is in the canteen?

Lennier:  With all due respect sir, it isn't Zima Gold.

(Sheridan notices Lyta drinking something red from a transparent bottle
and he takes it to chug it all down.  Everyone on the bridge is shocked)

Lyta:  Captain!  That was my entire bottle of chough syrup!   I need that
	for the times when my body gets posessed by First Ones!

Sheridan:  Yes, but I loved it!  We'll all sit around driking milk, fruit
	juices, ordinary water, and even chough syrup!  Vorlons, Shadows,
	who will you have control over if no one drinks your fluids?

(The Shadows fire a missile but it is intercepted by a Drazi ship)

Sheridan:  You see what you just did?  You fired a Zima missile into a
	Drazi ship.  They were willing to swim in alcohol just to let me
	deliver this message to you!  Let's ignore the fact that we all
	lost navigational control once we went into this cloud, their
	thruster's movement was an act of will!  None of us will continue
	on with this!

(Another missile is fired and blocked by another ship)

Sheridan:  Don't you see?  You can keep doing this, and none of us will
	give in.  What will you do?  Fire beverages at all of us?  You
	want so desperately to control us, but we'll all be so stone cold
	drunk that nothing you could do would matter.  Is that how you'll
	shape the galaxy?  By telling a bunch of inebriated morons what to
	do?

(Shadows and Vorlons discuss these issues and say they'll leave)

Vorlon:  You go first.
Shadow:  After you.
Vorlon:  I insist.
Shadow:  And I also insist.
Lorien:  Perhaps I shall go along.  Just to make sure both of you actually
	leave.
Sheridan:  Just try to make sure you take Hsok with you.  He's really
	drunk and might not realize it when everyone else leaves.
(Lorien rolls his eyes.  After the conflict, Sheridan and Delenn look
through the viewport at B5)

Sheridan:  I just realized something.  This is the the dawn of the third
	age of mankind.
Delenn:  I realized some other things.  We barely used the Great Machine
	at all.  Look out there, it was just sitting in space, waiting to
	be used, and we did practically nothing with it.  And what about
	Lorien?  It sure would have been nice if he could stop by here
	nineteen years later and see if he could heal you again.
Sheridan:  Oops.  I forgot to ask.


	Epiphanies

(Garibaldi looks at the screen saver message, nods, and washes his hands
before he quits his job.  At the end of the episode Zack shows Bester
where Carolyn's pod is)

Bester:  Hello Carolyn.  I imagine Captain Sheridan and the others are
	having a good laugh at my expense, but it doesn't matter.

(He continues on with a five minute speech about how he would do anything
to get her back, including eliminating the Black Omega squad, then finally
finishes and almost leaves the cryogenic storage unit bay)

Franklin:  Hi Bester, Zack forgot to tell you that these storage bays are
	mismarked.  Carolyn is actually in a different room two floors down.

(The med techs all laugh at Bester for talking to a total stranger for
five minutes as he walks to the correct cryo unit storage bay and starts
his speech again)


	Atonement

Delenn:  I may have to go away for a while, I won't tell you why, I'll
	avoid all your questions and I may not come back.

Sheridan:  That's no problem.  Have a nice trip.

Delenn:  Aren't you upset at all?

Sheridan:  Of course not.  After the stunt you pulled by withholding the
	information about Anna, I never expected to trust you another day
	in my life.  Why should I start now?

(G'kar gets his new eye installed)

Franklin:  You'll want to shut off the transmitter when you take it out at
	night, so your brain won't continue to get images.

G'kar:  You mean it will transmit visual images from far away?

Franklin (jokingly):  Oh yeah.  Just be sure you don't "accidentally"
	leave it floating in a public toilet, or "misplace" it in the
	locker room for the female Narn security department.

G'kar:  Actually I was thinking of putting it in the female human's
	security locker room.

Franklin:  You're a pervert.  You know that, don't you?

(After Callenn talks about "Pure Minbari")

Delenn:  Jeffery Sinclair, a human, traveled 1000 years through time and
	led our people to victory on Babylon 4.  By using the triluminary
	from Epsilon 3, he was transformed into Valen, our spiritual
	leader.  Between the time we lost our main station and the time
	the war was over, much of our population had passed through
	Babylon 4 and partied heartily there.  The fusion reactor on the
	station was shielded poorly and many of our people were sterilized
	by its radiation.  If the Minbari people were to survive, they
	needed to start a massive artificial insemination program to 
	ensure that anyone who could still bear a child would have
	that chance.

Callenn:  But who wasn't sterilzed by the radiation?

Delenn:  Not only did the triluminary change Jefferey Sinclair into a
	partially Minbari man known as Valen, but it gave him new
	testicles.  SUPER POWERFUL TESTICLES, the likes of which our world
	has never seen before and is likely never to see again.  His 
	prolific samples fathered hundreds of generations of Minbari, and
	have only recently been used up from our holy sperm bank.  After
	his one billionth donation, he left, and his body was never found.
	If his progeny are not true Minbari, what then?  What of the rest
	of us?  (speech continues as before)


	Racing Mars

Sheridan:  Sooner or later parts are going to fail, and we'll run out of
	replacements.  With Earth's embargo in effect it could be a long 
	time before new ones are available, and smugglers may be our
	only option--

Ivanova:  What about the Minbari?  They were able to build a fleet in
	secret so I think they could give us every mechanical part or item 
	we need--

Sheridan:  We'll need to get food shipped in from Earth, to help morale--

Ivanova:  Our alien friends can get that too.

Sheridan:  Then we need video games to keep--

Ivanova:  Admit it John.  You just like smugglers.

Sheridan (moping):  Yes ma'am.

(Sheridan watches tv)

Monitor:  Movie channel locked out.  Sports channel locked out.  Adult
	channel locked out.  Intergalactic Shop-At-Home Network's 24-hour
	"Doilies You Can Make at Home" special is available.

Sheridan:  At least it's better than ISN.

Monitor:  Also available:  "Hitler:  A Fairy Tale."  Watch this delightful
	animated feature as young Adolf befriends Swassy the dancing
	swastika.  Swassy teaches young Adolf how to sing and dance while
	Adolf courts and marries the love of his life, Anne Frank.

Sheridan (jaw drops):  ...and that's the most historically accurate Disney
	movie in three hundred years.  (He sighs uncomfortably and
	watches the "Doilies you can make at home" special before talking
	to Garibaldi)

Sheridan:  Michael, I want you back on the team.
Garibaldi:  I don't want to be back.
Sheridan:  But you've gotta be!
Garibaldi:  Don't gotta if I don't wanna.
Sheridan:  But you gotta!
Garibaldi:  I said no.
Sheridan:  I'll be your best friend.  
Garibaldi:  Go away.  You're worse than G'kar
Sheridan:  I can make you some doilies.
Garibaldi:  Leave me alone.
Sheridan:  Please?  
Garibaldi:  I told you to leave me alone.
Sheridan:  Pretty please?  
Garibaldi:  No.
Sheridan:  With sugar on top? (SMACK!  Garibaldi hits him)


	Lines of Communication

(The Minbari traitor complains about the people from his caste and clan
who were forced to march in the snow)

Traitor:  In 1000 years, no Minbari has ever killed another Minbari.

White Star Crew:  Ape has killed ape!  Ape has killed ape!

Lennier:  What about you?  You're pointing a gun at Delenn, and the only
	reason you'd possibly want to do that is to kill her.

Traitor:  Oh no, I will not kill Delenn.  No true Minbari could ever kill
	another.  I'll just pull a trigger and this gun will kill her.

(The Drakh and the Minbari with the clipboard stumble into each other)

Minbari (looking at Drakh's swirling appearance):  Am I on LSD or are you?

(After the White Star ships leave the area)

Delenn:  Wait a second, this episode has plenty of time left.  Do you
	think we should go back and start shooting some more?

(it continues as before.  When Delenn goes back to Babylon 5, she explains
why she should return home)

Sheridan:  If you didn't want to stay, you could have just said so.
	There's no need to give me a giant speech for it.


	Conflicts of Interest

Ivanova:  We finally have all our equipment in place, our scripts are
	ready, our Voice-of-the-Resistance logo looks good, and we even
	had help from the Minbari in hacking through Earth's jamming
	signals.  All we need is a gimmick to keep people interested.

Franklin:  I stopped by Epsilon 3 when we needed to evacuate people during
	the Shadow war.  While I was there, I saw a giant beer brewery,
	even bigger than the one the Captain described on Z'ha'dum.  I
	bet you could advertise free beer for the resistance.  It's not
	the Vorlon's Home Brew, but it could get the job done.

Ivanova:  Of course!  Epsilon 3!  Free beer!  Only a fool wouldn't
	think of it!  (etc)

(The Captain's office)

Zack:  So why are you in such a rush to get Garibaldi's weapons and ID?

Sheridan (pouting):  He's been mean to me.

(Garibaldi and Wade find Lise at the airport and Garibaldi has his giant
three minute black and white flashback)

Wade:  Do you know her?

Garibaldi:  You've got to help me out.  She's an old lover of mine and I
	forgot her name.  I'm serious here!

(The Voice of the Resistance broadcast)

Ivanova:  ...despite what you may have heard, we are still as loyal to
	Earth as we have ever been.  You can slander our name, bomb our
	cities, jam our transmissions, but you can never kill the truth.
	The truth will be back in business after these important messages.

(Heavy rock music starts and a quartet of young human male climbers reach
the peak of a mountain)

Climber1:  Wow!  This is great!
Climber2:  We're on top of the world!
Climber3:  It just doesn't get any better than this!
(Everything the announcer says is seen on the screen)
Announcer:  Suddenly credit chits came falling from the sky, and things
	got a little better.
Climber4:  Absofraggin' Awesome!
Announcer:  Then the Narnish Bikini Team came parachuting by, and things
	got a little better.
Climber1:  Hey baby!
(One of the Narns winks at him)
Announcer:  Then the people of the Earth rose up against President Clark,
	and things got a little better.
(The climbers and the Narn Bikini Team are beating up a characature of
President Clark)
Climber2:  This is for MarsDome (Hits Clark with a club)
Announcer:  And then the freedom fighters of Babylon 5 brought some
	Epsilon 3 Draft directly to your door, and things got a lot
	better.
Climber3:  I told you things couldn't get better than this.
(The bikini-clad Narns dance to the music, one climber continues to beat
Clark, and the other three chug Babylon 5 shaped cans of Epsilon 3 Draft.
The E3D draft logo appears on the screen as the announcer continues)

Announcer:  Join the resistance today and get one can of Epsilon 
	3 Draft...free!  Earth can't get any better than this!
(Ivanova appears stunned after the commercial and she yells to the people
off camera)
Ivanova:  What the hell was that?
(Fade to credits)



	Okay folks, I don't know where the UK is in these episodes so all
the ones below (next up:  Rumors, Bargains, and Lies) could be spoilers.
Here's my nifty spoilerspace placeholder:




Babylon 5:  The Peanuts Connection

	People have been saying something really sad for quite a few years
now.  Either they believe that Deep Space Nine is a rip off of Babylon 5
or vice versa but they never even considered the truth:  Both of these
sci-fi shows are nothing more than cheesey imitators of Charles Schultz's
"The Peanuts" comic strip, or the Charlie Brown TV Specials to a lesser
degree.  I think you'll find the similarities stunning...

	Religious Devotion:

B5:  G'kar, Delenn and many others are guided by their religions.
DS9:  Kira keeps to her faith despite religious leaders who betray their
	own faith and people with selfish motives.
TP:  Sally has been writing letters to Santa for the past 50 years, and
	shows no sign of stopping.  Linus also believes in the Great
	Pumpkin.

	Baseball:

DS9:  Sisko likes it and plays in the holodeck.
B5:  Sheridan practices in a 2259 batting cage.
TP:  Charlie Brown manages and pitches for a losing baseball team.

	Military Similarities:

DS9:  The Federation is at war with the Changelings.
B5:   2260 is the year of the Shadow War.
TP:   Snoopy is a pilot who fights in an unending series of
	imaginary battles from World War II.

DS9:  In their third season, Deep Space nine got the Defiant.  It is a
	state-of-the-art battle machine that is faster and tougher than
	most ships twice it's size
B5:  In their third season, B5 got the White Star.  It is a state-of-
	the-art battle machine that's faster and tougher than most ships
	twice it's size.
TP:  Snoopy's dog house couldn't have flown in the first two strips, could
	it?  It has also been fairly resistant to the Red Baron's attacks.

	Conspiracies:

B5:  The Shadows, the Vorlons, the Warrior Caste, the Rangers, the
	Conspiracy of Light, the Nightwatch, the Centauri leaders, Psi
	Corp, and the underground railroads are still up and running.
DS9:  Changelings and the Maquis are the only conspiracies left unless
	you count the time when they brainwashed General Hague and got him
	to do a two parter.
TP:  Lucy keeps pulling the football away from Charlie Brown just before
	he can kick it.

	Broken Romance:

DS9:  Sisko, Bashir, Odo and even Quark have had romantic problems
	(but not with each other).
B5:  Sheridan, Sinclair, Ivanova, Garibaldi, Londo, Lennier, Marcus, Vir,
	and Talia.  You know why "not with each other" doesn't apply to
	some of these characters.
TP:  Charlie Brown hasn't gotten together with that red haired girl yet.

	Commonly repeated exclamaitions:

B5:  Oh hell!
DS9:  I'm going to keep an eye on you Quark!
TP:  Good grief!

	Psycho Bitches from Hell:

B5:  Control.
DS9:  Kira.
TP:  Lucy.

	Disasters:

B5:  Acts and threats of sabotage, assassination, espionage and warfare.
DS9:  Transporter accidents, holodeck failures, manipulative
	Changelings who pit "solids" against each other and help
	to recreate movies like	"The Thing" or "Seven Days in May."
TP:  Charlie Brown seeks refuge from the weekly flood by staying on the
	pitcher's mound.

	Lesbian Relationships:

DS9:  Dax and her former host's wife.
B5:  Susan and Talia.
TP:  Peppermint Patty and Sandy.

	Time Travel:

DS9:  Ben, Dax and Julian go a couple hundred years back to San Fransisco,
	the capital of all Star Trek time travel.  While there, their
	actions were catalogued in historical records.
B5:  Sinclair received a letter from himself that instructed him to
	travel through time.  His journey was also recorded in Minbari
	history.
TP:  Snoopy types all those stories but never mails them out.  This is
	clearly foreshadowing for something that will happen later on.

	Character Similarities:

TP:  Franklin is the only black kid in the entire "Peanuts" neighborhood.
B5:  Franklin is the only recurring black character to get speaking parts
	on the entire station.
DS9:  Ben Sisko has a frank personality and speaks with a dull monotone.

B5:  There have been several ambassadors and telepaths on the station.
DS9:  Lwaxana Troi is a telepathic ambassador who is usually preoccupied
	with sex.
TP:  One episode of the Charlie Brown tv specials had them visiting
	foreign countries like ambassadors.  Even then, Schroder knew
	that Lucy liked him a bit too much.

DS9: Constable Odo is the head of station security on Deep Space Nine.
B5:  Garibaldi is Babylon 5's chief security officer.
TP:  Linus keeps his security blanket with him at all times.

TP:  Snoopy calls Charlie Brown "The Roundheaded Kid" on occasion.
B5:  Franklin gave Sheridan a new diet, but Bruce Boxlietner's belly
	isn't fitting the part (check "Point of No Return" to see his
	stomach really hang out!)
DS9:  Changelings taunt the "solids" because humans can't change their
	form.  A line edited from a recent episode has a Changeling saying
	"Not so tough now, are you fat boys?" to O'Brien and Sisko.

DS9:  Romulans, Klingons, Cardassians, and Bajorans all have codes of
	honor with loopholes you could fly a starship through.  The
	Federation also makes sure to let it's captains break the Prime
	Directive without fear of punishment.
B5:  The Minbari also have strict codes of honor, but like the Star Trek
	aliens, "honor" is a word that means "whatever we feel like."
TP:  Lucy is a remorseless liar.

TP:  Pigpen rarely says anything.
DS9:  Morn (the alien who always sits at the bar) is supposed to be
	talkative but the audience never gets a chance to hear him speak.
B5:  Sheridan isn't saying what he's saying.  He's not saying what he's
	thinking.  He's not even thinking what he's thinking.

B5:  Vorlons are difficult to understand.
DS9:  The "Prophets" in the wormhole are difficult to understand.
TP:  The yellow birds (all of whom are named "Woodstock") speak entirely
	with exclamation points.  "!!!"

B5:  Kosh says "You have always been here" and no one knows why.
DS9:  The Prophets say "I am Bajoran.  You are Bajoran" and no one
	really knows why.
TP:  The teachers in the classroom have their voices created by using a
	plunger mute on a trombone.  The audience never understands a
	word but the kids seem to know what's going on.

B5:  Vorlons have a very long life span.
TP:  "The Peanuts" is a very long lived comic strip, but it has never
	changed in any fundamental way.
DS9:  Dax has lived nine lifetimes without developing a personality.

	So you see?  It doesn't matter if you see something from B5 in
DS9 or vice versa, because it was all stolen from Charlie Brown!  On with
the rest of The Missing Lines!








	Rumors, Bargains and Lies

Lennier:  Delenn's world is not your world.  In her world we are more
	decent, nobler than we are.  In her world our ships taste like
	cottage cheese, and the magical fairy Tinkerbell sprinkles pixie
	dust over our heads.  Her world is a far better place, and I would
	do anything to keep it from harm.
Religious #1 (gnawing on door frame):  
	She's right!  It does taste like cheese!


	Moments of Transition

The starfire wheel is referred to as "the big-ass magnifying glass on 
the roof" and Zack dangles the credit chit in front of Lyta when she says
"I could really use the money," but otherwise the lines were unchanged.


	No Surrender, No Retreat

Mr Edgars:  You know Mister Garibaldi, I've seen your record.
Garibaldi:  You mean the parts where I screwed up with my alcoholism, or
	when my own buddies almost blew me up on Mars?  Or the part where
	I led a coallition of Narn and Human soldiers against Earthforce
	boarding troops?  Or the time I was shot in the back by my own
	second in command?
Mr Edgars:  Oh, I'm aware of that, but I'm more concerned with your
	recent record.  You're a very clean man.
Garibaldi:  You might say I've been washing my hands lately...
Mr Edgars:  I like cleanliness.  Perhaps we should arrange a meeting.


	The Exercise of Vital Powers

Wade:  Try not to touch anything.

Garibaldi:  If I only had a dime every time I heard that...

(Instead of tracking Sheridan's father by his medication, they tracked him
by his excessive consumption of "Jolly Rancher" candy.  Later Franklin
talks to Lyta about Sheridan)

Franklin:  When the Captain returned from Z'ha'dum people said he seemed
	harsher, more determined.  I never saw what they were talking
	about before, but Sheridan told me what he planned to do with
	those telepaths...and I knew I was right all along.  He hasn't
	changed a bit.


	The Face of the Enemy

Bester:  We didn't want to reprogram you fully, we only wanted to make you
	more suspicious and clean.  And you washed your hands, Mister
	Garibaldi.  (Sinister tone)  You washed your hands for the Corp.


	Intersections in Real TIme

Interrogator:  ...we will lead you to the one preeminent truth of our 
	time:  that you can not beat the system.  We try to instill this
	in everyone from kindergarten to high school so you *must* be
	under an alien influence to think otherwise, mustn't you?


	Between the Darkness and the Light

(Garibaldi lets Lyta scan him to prove that he was used by Bester to
Steven and the resistance)

Lyta:  Are you alright?

Garibaldi:  Yeah, but I realized I didn't get enough fiber in my diet.

Lyta (to the resistance):  He's telling us the truth, and not just about
	the fiber.

(When Garibaldi gets his back hurt Franklin says "Wow, this is the same
place you were shot, isn't it?"  Later, Ivanova commands the White Star
fleet agianst modified Earth ships)

Captain:  Who are you?

Ivanova:  Who am I?  I am death incarnate.  I a the hand of God, come to
	strike you down and put you in your place.  I am the itch you can
	not scratch, the toilet paper strip stuck to your shoe, the
	commercial you find on every channel, the F-word in your Robocop
	dialog.  I am the ninth digit of the square root of pi, the fly in
	your ointment, the second-hand smoke in your restaurant, the--

Marcus:  Shouldn't we be killing them now?

Ivanova:  Yeah.  Right.

(after the collision)

Ivanova:  How come no one else is on the bridge?  Are they buried by
	the rubble?
Marcus:  No, they all left without us.
Ivanova (sighs):  Rangers.  Go figure.


	Endgame

Captain Lefcourt:  Tell the people down in engineering that if they don't
	get us moving I'm going to pull their shorts up over their heads
	and tie them in a knot.  They won't be so lucky to get a wedgie
	either, this time it'll be a melvin!

(Delenn calls and tells Sheridan about Marcus' departure)

Sheridan:  We could just send a courier fighter to get past the Mars
	jammers and try to bring him back, but we're going to start
	fighting now and can't even spare one ship.  I'm sure we won't
	need him.

(Clark's note repeated "Zo this guy walked into a bar" with letters
circled to spell "Zgorged Earth" and was weighted down with a Zima bottle
before he shot himself.  Sheridan hears about it but the Agammemnon is
damaged and can't shoot the last platform)

Sheridan:  Are we the only ship in the area?

Ag Cpt.:  No sir.  Marcus' ship was supposed to attack that platfrom.

Sheridan:  Great going Robin Hood.

Ag Cpt:  Sir?

Sheridan:  Tell the slavedriver to give me ramming speed!

(cut to the inside of a Roman galleon)

Slavedriver:  Ramming speed!

(The slave driver beats the timpani drums faster and the galley slaves
start moving their wooden oars to the new beat)


	Rising Star

Bester:  You know we make a good team.  Like Reebo and Zooty, Holmes
	and Watson--

Sheridan:  Fire and water.  Han Solo and Boba-Fett.  He-Man and Skeletor.
	Optimus Prime and Megatron...

(Lennier explains his sadness for Marcus)

Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  Ivanova said all love is unrequited.
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  Are you so blind that you can't see what I'm saying?
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  Have you been ignoring me for all these years and you can't 
	see that I love you?
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  Well I'm fed up with it.  Are you paying attention now?
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  Watch me pull Valen out of my ass.
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
Lennier:  You're not paying attention at all.
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.
(Lennier leaves the room, and Delenn waits a moment before speaking in
the same concerned tone)
Delenn:  Yes Lennier.

(Michael and Lise are in bed together)

Lise:  I was so worried when those mobsters caught me.
Garibaldi:  Don't worry any more.  You know I'd never forget about you...
	(he checks the writing on his hand) ...Lise.

(Later John and Delenn go to their quarters on the White Star)

Delenn:  Oh look.  G'kar left his portable eye in our room to stare at us.
	Should I tell him--
Sheridan (smiling):  No.  Let's leave it.


	The Deconstruction of Falling Stars

(Future Man turns into a ball of light and heads for the encounter suit,
but bounces out)

FM:  Hsok!  You stowed away with us for one million years like a leech and
	gave us nothing in return.  Get out!
Hsok:  Nothing?  Is that what you call the shag carpet inside this
	encounter suit?
FM:  Forget I said it.  Next stop, the kegger on New-Earth!

(Straczynski's ending jab)

Dedicated to all those who believed the Babylon project would fail its
mission.  Faith Manages.  Neener neener neener.  Ha ha ha!  This ending
tag is a glowing middle finger, fifty miles tall in red neon, burning
forever into the night, pointed directly at you, naysayers!

(fade to credits)

	That's all you get for this installment.  Now wash your hands!
	

----David Filip--------------------grimlock@u.washington.edu----
Are you tired of conformity on the internet?  You can rebel 
against the culture of the 'net in four easy steps!
1) Discuss politics politely.
2) Thank and encourage crossposters.
3) Support censorship in any form.
4) Praise Apple computers, Intel, Microsoft, AOL and the 
  entertainment industry for a job well done.

---